I wanted to forgive and reconcile just as you wrote. As the betrayer, he didn’t do any of the things you wrote of; instead, screamed at me and made me always feel like there was something wrong with me for reacting the way I did, and not “…moving forward” more quickly. His time frame for me to get over it was “a day or two.”

I expected him to be kind. I expected him to want to help my hurting heart. He added insult to injury, and then I wasn’t allowed to bring it up ever. He said I disgusted him and I am weak.

He made me out to be an enemy, as opposed to someone he cared enough for to love and support

I walked away. So confused. I didn’t want to “punish” him. I wanted to communicate and understand why. I wanted an apology that I didn’t have to coach. Not a screaming, resentful “I am sorry. ”

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I took responsibility for my part, working a full time corporate job, splitting my time between two coasts for a year. It was unfair to him.

Pia, This is exactly what I went through after discovering my husbands affair with his boss. Everything I read told me that my reactions were in fact normal, but I felt judged and criticized for not handling his betrayal better. We went through 3 different therapists, and all of them seemed to be more focused on my anxieties over the triggers, and the fact that we needed to set up healthy boundaries because I wanted to check his where-abouts and text messages when he would travel (sometimes with his affair partner).

My husband would get so amazingly defensive and angry when I would need to cry and scream over the pain I felt. He would resort to raging at me, demean me, or criticize me.

After two years, I have stopped bringing up the affair. I feel I have been manipulated into silence because he is too full of shame and guilt to help me heal. I don’t trust him to never betray me again, because even through what should have been our healing, he has shown that he doesn’t hold my needs over his own…

The one thing I do have is the Love and Respect of my children, which unfortunately the cheater does not

This was a good read! Having been cheated on in a long term marriage, and still loving my partner, and being afraid to leave the comfort of a home with 3 small children, the only option was to try and forgive and move on in the relationship. Good times, ups and downs, and no mention of the affair surfaced again. I understand it was not all one sided, but there was no excuse for the infidelity. Fast forward 25 years, the children all educated and making their own way in life, I was once again betrayed. This was the end. A 40 year old was much more appealing then I, The wife and mother who was now 60. Should I have invested those years, only to end up alone??

I’m pleased the article found its way to you and I’m sorry your marriage ended the way it did. If this man wasn’t able to be fully with you, for whatever reason, then it is best that he move along and make way for the things or people that will be good for you. I know it probably doesn’t feel like that now, but it will eventually. I can hear that you feel alone now, but there is now room for new people can find their way to you when you are ready for that.